Whether Your the Victim or the Hero of Your Story is YOUR Choice!
One question I sometimes ask my clients is this: “What if you were to drop all excuses? What if you were to stop playing the victim, and start being the hero of your own story?”
And I appreciate this is a challenging one, so I don’t use it very often. But if I see a regular client who keeps on finding reason after reason after reason why they cannot do something, or why they haven’t taken action on what they wanted to, I will pose this question.
It’s a very interesting one because it often opens up the path to the client realising that they are giving their power away to all these external circumstances. It boils down to something like “all these things are happening to me, so I can’t do X”. Whether that’s life is unfair, they have no time, not the right connections, they got into a conflict with someone etc. These are all very valid, very real things that can cause hardship, we’re not denying that. But they don’t stop us, only if we let them. It’s when we see life as happening always TO us rather than FOR us.
So in this blogpost, we'll be diving into the self-sabotage type of the victim player.
This particular mindset is all about feeling powerless and letting circumstances define us. But there’s always a way to take back control, and that’s what we’ll talk about today.
So as said already the Victim Player is a self-sabotage type where someone believes that life is happening *to* them rather than *for* them. In this mindset, it’s easy to feel that you are at the mercy of external circumstances, powerless to change your situation, and that the hardships in your life are unfairly stacked against you.
Some other signs of this mindset can also be that you are…
…Holding onto past experiences:
You use negative past experiences as reasons why you can’t move forward or why certain opportunities are just 'not for you.' There’s a tendency to stay stuck in the pain of those experiences instead of seeing them as stepping stones.
…Complaining or having a negative outlook:
You frequently express dissatisfaction, focusing on the hardships and challenges you face. You find it difficult to see the lessons or opportunities in struggles, and instead, see life as unfair."
There’s a reason we think, feel and behave this way. The Victim Player mindset can develop from past traumas, feelings of powerlessness, or experiences where we truly didn’t have control. These experiences can lead to a belief that life is beyond our influence, that we are somehow 'unlucky' or always on the losing end of things.
Sometimes, taking on this role can be a form of self-protection. By believing that external forces are to blame, we can avoid personal responsibility. It might even feel safer because it takes away the pressure of needing to make decisions or changes. There’s comfort in thinking, 'It’s not my fault,' even when that means giving up control over our lives.
But here’s the hard truth: staying in the Victim Player mindset robs us of our power. While external events do shape our lives, how we respond to them defines our future.
And living in this mindset can be incredibly damaging to both your personal and professional life. When you believe that life happens to you, rather than believing you have the power to shape it, you end up feeling stuck.
Here’s how it potentially plays out in business: Imagine you’re scrolling through social media and see other entrepreneurs seemingly making millions overnight. You start to feel like there’s something you’re missing—a secret that everyone else knows. Instead of focusing on your strengths and taking action, you get caught in a cycle of comparison and despair. You subscribe to loads of courses, but each time you feel more and more overwhelmed, as if success is just out of reach. Eventually, you might even consider quitting.
This mindset stops you from taking ownership of your actions and results. You don’t experiment, you don’t take risks, because why bother if you believe the odds are already stacked against you? Instead, you either give up before trying, or you half-ass your input, or anything you do put in wholeheartedly you don’t actually believe in your core would be working, because you feel like nothing ever happens in your favour. This by the way also goes deep into how you see yourself which we discussed in episode 45. An easy example of this would be you telling your friends “I always find coins when I walk around!” This shows you see yourself as the person who always finds money on the ground. Like everytime we go grocery shopping I find 5p coins for example, the other day I even found 2 coins. The other example would be you always say “I never find a parking slot, i’m just so unlucky all the time and have to park miles away because it’s so busy in the city”.
Chances are you rarely find a parking slot and so you made it a part of your identity. Can you tell the difference between the statement of who is in the victim player mindset and who is not?
The cool thing with this particular mindset and self-sabotage type is that I would consider it as one that is the easiest to recognise and work through. Because once you catch yourself thinking this way about yourself and life, you are quicker to change it than with others. I also have a free guide and workbook that helps you go a little bit deeper into this with different exercises and journal prompts, so I will link that below as well if you want to check it out.
But I’m also going into some strategies of how we can break free from the Victim Player mindset right now. Next to better self-awareness, which is the number one step to overcome any self-sabotage type, for this one specifically you can also
1. Take Responsibility for Your Actions:
Understand that while external circumstances may be tough, your response to them is always within your control. When challenges arise, ask yourself: 'What can *I* do about this?' Even small steps can start to build your confidence.
2. Shift Your Perspective:
Life isn’t happening *to* you—it’s happening *for* you. Every setback or hardship is an opportunity to learn, grow, or change direction. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, focus on how you can use the situation to your advantage.
3. Practice Gratitude:
One of the best ways to combat a negative outlook is by cultivating gratitude. Take time each day to reflect on what’s going well. It could be small wins, progress you’ve made, or even just acknowledging the effort you’re putting in. This will help rewire your mind to see opportunities rather than obstacles.
4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others:
Comparison is a trap that feeds into the Victim mindset. Remember that everyone’s journey is different, and what you see online is often just the highlight reel. Focus on your own path and take action based on your goals and values, not someone else’s.
5. Set Small, Achievable Goals:
Overwhelm can often exacerbate feelings of helplessness. Start with small, manageable goals that you can accomplish. Every step forward, no matter how small, will help build momentum and remind you that you’re capable of changing your circumstances."
Or just start with the next time you catch yourself saying ‘This is just the way it is,’ pause and ask yourself, ‘What’s one small thing I can do to improve this situation?’ It might be something as simple as reaching out for help or re-evaluating how you approach a task. The goal is to take back your power—no matter how small the step.
Very often it just takes the realisation of the fact that you have been stuck in the victim-player mindset. And that might be enough to realise that you can easily switch to the role of being your own hero. So let’s get to it in a free discovery call.
