When Trying to Please Everyone Else You’re Leaving Out Yourself
No idea who said this first, but: you can’t please everyone, you’re not pizza. And even then I would argue that there are people out there who do not like pizza. Haven’t yet come across one of those people but I’m certain they exist. If you’re one of them, please comment below.
But the point I’m trying to make is that even pizza will not be able to please everyone. In this blogpost, we’re focusing on a type that many of us can relate to—the ‘People-Pleaser.’ If you find yourself always putting others’ needs before your own, struggling to say ‘no,’ or avoiding conflict at all costs, then keep on reading…
Starting with, what exactly is a people-pleaser? A people-pleaser is someone who prioritises others’ needs, desires, and approval over their own well-being. This can sound noble—after all, what’s wrong with being kind and helpful? But when taken to the extreme, people-pleasing can lead to self-neglect, burnout, and resentment. It’s not just about being generous or supportive; it’s about an ingrained need to make others happy, often at a great personal cost.
People-pleasers have a hard time setting boundaries. They struggle to say ‘no,’ even when it’s necessary. They might take on too much work, overcommit to social events, or go out of their way to avoid conflict, all because they don’t want to disappoint anyone. Did you ever go to a party you didn’t want to go to because you didn’t want the host to feel disappointed or in any way negative about you?
Or would you always go way out of your way to look after someone, taking all responsibility onto your shoulders despite there being others who could share the load. But you want to uphold harmony or don’t trust that they can do it or would do a good enough job or even care about it, so you keep to yourself and don’t speak up. All the while it’s eating away at your time only causing feelings of resentment for those other people.
Another example might be that you constantly accept meetings or calls after your regular working hours or maybe even during your annual leave because you don’t want to upset that one client or colleague. You make sure to uphold their boundaries but neglect your own. Leading you to work late, and be more exhausted.
Here’s the thing: constantly putting others first isn’t just unsustainable—it’s also a form of self-sabotage.
And it often starts in childhood. Maybe you grew up in an environment where you learned that being agreeable or accommodating brought you approval, love, or even safety. If conflict in your home was met with tension or punishment, you might have learned to keep the peace at any cost. Over time, this becomes a coping mechanism—a way to avoid rejection, criticism, or emotional pain.
As adults, we continue these patterns because they’re familiar and feel safe. We tell ourselves, ‘If I make everyone happy, then I’ll be accepted, loved, or respected.’ But here’s the truth: people-pleasing is a double-edged sword. It’s based on the false belief that your worth is dependent on other people’s opinions. This means your sense of self becomes fragile, tied to external validation rather than your own values and desires.
As entrepreneurs or leaders, the drive to keep everyone happy can be incredibly detrimental. You might have a vision for your business, but instead of following it, you find yourself constantly adapting to meet others’ expectations. Maybe you take on too many clients because you can’t say no, or you over deliver on every project, sacrificing your time and energy.
For example, let’s say you want to create the best experience possible for your customers. You make yourself available at all hours, answering emails late at night, hopping on calls during weekends, and going above and beyond with extra support. It’s not that you don’t care about your clients—you do, deeply. But the fear of them thinking badly of you or feeling neglected makes it impossible to set healthy boundaries.
The result? You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and eventually, your own passion for your business starts to dwindle. Again, you might even begin to resent the very people you set out to help, not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because you’ve neglected your own needs in the process.
Doesn’t sound fun to me, so let’s discuss how we can put an end to this:
Recognise Your Patterns:
Start by becoming aware of when and why you’re people-pleasing. Is it a specific person or situation that triggers it? Are there particular words or phrases you use, like ‘I don’t mind,’ ‘It’s no trouble,’ or ‘Whatever you need’? Once you recognise these patterns, you can start to interrupt them.
Set Clear Boundaries:
Boundaries are crucial. Practice saying ‘no’ in low-stakes situations first. If you can’t attend a meeting because you need personal time, say so. Remember, ‘no’ is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for protecting your time and energy. In addition, how you treat your boundaries is how you teach others to treat you. If you constantly let other people step over them, that’s how they learn and know how to interact with you. So stay firm, but also communicate the boundary and the resulting consequences if they don’t respect them.
Check in with Your Own Needs:
Before agreeing to something, especially that event you got invited to, ask yourself, ‘Is this something I want to do? Does it align with my values and priorities?’ If the answer is no, then give yourself permission to decline. Your needs and desires are just as important as anyone else’s.
Reframe Your Mindset:
Shift your thinking from ‘If I say no, they won’t like me,’ to ‘If I say yes to everything, I’m saying no to myself.’ Remember, you’re not responsible for other people’s reactions or feelings. Your job is to take care of yourself first so you can show up fully and authentically for others.
Embrace Discomfort:
People-pleasers often avoid conflict at all costs, but sometimes, a little discomfort is necessary for growth. Practice speaking up and asserting yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable. The more you do it, the easier it will become. You might find that more often than not, people are totally ok with your boundaries and automatically respect them. And if they don’t, see it as a chance to stand up for yourself and grow your confidence. Their reaction and response is not your responsibility.
Whilst it’s not easy to break free from a lifetime of putting others first, it truly is so worth it. Your value doesn’t depend on making everyone happy. You are allowed to take up space, to say no, and to put yourself first without guilt or fear. So, one question I would love to leave you with here is what’s one boundary you’re going to set this week to honour your needs?
If you find it hard to break out of this behavioural and thought pattern, let’s work together to get to your specific root cause and create a personal strategy as to how you can best start standing up for yourself.
